Introduction: Understanding Cheating and Triangulation
When people hear the word cheating, they usually think of betrayal, broken trust, and relationship collapse. Yet, from the perspective of systems theory, attachment, and relational psychology, cheating can also be understood as part of a larger relational pattern — one that often involves triangulation.
What is Triangulation in Relationships?
In family systems theory, triangulation describes the process where tension in a dyad (two people) is diffused by adding a third.
How Triangulation Works
-
A third person (or activity, like work) becomes a container for unmet desires, frustrations, or longings.
-
The triangle reduces emotional pressure within the couple.
-
The relationship feels calmer, not because problems are solved, but because tension is redirected.
Why Cheating and Triangulation Sometimes “Works”
Reduced Pressure on the Primary Partner
The partner who cheats no longer relies exclusively on their spouse to meet every need.
Emotional Venting and Energy Release
Triangulation functions like a “safety valve,” absorbing built-up tension.
Avoidance of Conflict
The couple bypasses direct arguments, coexisting with fewer fights — though problems remain unresolved.
Attachment and the Psychology of Why It Feels Good
Anxious Attachment
Anxiously attached partners may split needs between two people for reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment
Avoidantly attached partners may rely on the third person to create distance while maintaining the bond.
Relational Psychology
The affair partner often represents disowned or unmet parts of the self — passion, spontaneity, or freedom.
The Hidden Costs of Cheating and Triangulation
Erosion of Trust
Even if undiscovered, secrecy corrodes intimacy and safety.
Stunted Growth
Outsourcing conflict prevents couples from learning healthy communication.
Fragile Stability
The balance depends on the triangle. If it collapses, unresolved issues resurface intensely.
Nuances: Rethinking How We Frame Cheating
Cultural Views
Cheating is often framed as pure betrayal, but psychology reveals deeper dynamics.
Questions to Consider
-
What needs were too difficult to face directly?
-
How does the triangle highlight silenced parts of the self?
-
What would it mean to address these openly instead of outsourcing them?
Conclusion: Moving Beyond Triangulation
Cheating and triangulation may reduce tension and reawaken parts of the self, but they are short-term stabilizers that block intimacy, trust, and growth.
Why Therapy Helps
Therapy provides a safe space to explore:
-
The impact of cheating and triangulation
-
Healthier conflict resolution
-
Building greater trust and intimacy
📍 At Talking Therapy LA, we offer affair recovery therapy, couples counseling, and support for relational stress in Pasadena, CA. Contact us today for a free consultation.
